pg 48

and for once i wake up when i’m supposed to and get out of bed straight away to celebrate. oatmeal and chocolate milk in my underwear in the kitchen when liz comes in and tells me to put on some pants. i say no no no. and then the internet for half an hour before a subway ride that makes me question the world we’re living in where so many people cram themselves so close for so long. someone touches my butt and i touch someone else’s butt. a lot of butt touching. a lot of shifting. up the stairs and out into the world. a short coffee line and a walk along the street. i see varsity stadium’s winter blimp has deflated and smile with the realization that this means it’s really summer. a skip in my step to celebrate. making it to the library 3 minutes after it opens is a good feeling, a better feeling than making it to the library 5 minutes early like yesterday. i don’t think there is a bathroom on 9th and i don’t know what i’m going to do as i don’t relish walking with a laptop and making my bladder wait. i’m sorry in advance, bladder. the television show that is soon to arrive, girls, made me laugh in bed this morning and i wondered if maybe i’m not a little bit girl. in bed this morning i watched a youtube video in which someone said they’d be gay if it wasn’t for the sleeping with men part, meaning stereotypical likes of gay men. i understand this. not because i like stereotypical gay things (this person used their like of project runway and also shoes as an example) but because there are ways of phrasing things that make the world make a little more sense. i like finding these sentences and phrasings. i’ve written only about 300 words here so far and it makes me tired the thought of having to do this over and over and over again today when writing about things like housing co-operatives and participatory research and lutheran literacy. i’m going to spend my remaining 9 minutes before i’m committed to doing work surfing the internet and finding things that make me feel good. good day to YOU.

“i always think when you really want to talk about something with someone it’s a really good idea to start with a question” -bec

so i took the test and when it came up positive i went to the beach and looked out at the waves and realized that for now i’m the only person in the world who knows about this pregnancy.

on our way to a bar in the village we’re separated when i make it onto the subway and you do not. i grab after you and laugh through the window and the people in the car smile with me. i decide to make it to the transfer point instead of getting off at the next station though i do consider it and see myself running the christie platform looking in each car for you. but i make it to the transfer point and grab a newspaper, standing against a pillar but too close to two downtown business women talking about the it department that’s going to get downsized. the newspaper has an article about the mayor’s preparing for election despite it being two years away. i read most of it and then the next car downstairs must’ve arrived for there are people streaming up the stairs and you’re toward the back. i put down the paper and see you before you see me. we walk down the platform and wait for a train which ends up taking at least ten minutes so we talk about whether it was a suicide that had delayed us. the train arrives and we enter and stay standing, only one stop to go after all.

and i can give you a lesson in why i’m wrong and why i can see it going poorly and maybe in the face of an almost certain derailment further on down the line but knowing all this still i know i have to follow through with this path aware that to redefine the success of a relationship is necessary because death together isn’t the marker of success as it always is though it can be that.