pg 48


January 31, 2014, 10:21 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I think I’ve discovered a great ability of mine and while I may have been disappointed in the past with what it has turned out to be, I appreciate it now. I am able to forget about the sadness I have felt and glaze over any mistakes I have made. As I write this I feel an unsettled calm that may not make sense to read but certainly makes sense as I now feel it. I know and can even point the times I have felt deep regret, as recently as days ago but I feel okay about it now. I’m not arrogant enough to imagine that I am passed all of that. Even to write that here feels like I am tempting fate and have a dark turn around a corner not far ahead.

I struggle for a definitive answer to the question of whether I am a good person. There are a lot of questions that I will ask myself over and over again before my life is through. On a somewhat related note, it is so easy to listen to gentle music and feel safe. I am listening now to a woman whispering songs from a studio in Seattle and it makes me thankful. I am scared a great deal of the time, I believe that is what makes my calm unsettled.

When I was last in a relationship I did not always act my best. This is not to say I was violent or abusive but I was certainly selfish. That relationship ended almost 6 years ago and I have yet to seriously enter another one. Twenty minutes ago when I was wiping all-purpose cleaner off of a toilet seat, no actually I was sweeping crumbs from the floor of the dining room 15 minutes ago, I had the satisfied feeling of not being in any rush to enter another relationship. This is because then I will not be tested and if I am not tested then I can’t fail and won’t have to face the possible reality that I am still selfish 6 years later. My sex life is good and there have been, not to sound like I’m writing this with a puffed out chest, a steady stream of women. Three years ago this was not the case. Oh what does it matter.

On a podcast I listened to on my way to work tonight someone, and I’m surprised to report it was Dane Cook, used the phrase “through the winters of my own emotions” and it floored me. To push the metaphor into hack territory I would say that I am currently either in the spring or autumn of mine.

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