pg 48


January 13, 2013, 7:23 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

i think we can run as we can hide. there’s a beauty underneath the bed that taps into what i’m talking about. forget about the whole of it. so much figurative writing that maybe won’t tap into the past when i look back and is that okay? i don’t know. i get scared to write in obvious truths because there are one or two others who may know where to find me here. i’ve sat on this porch and i’ve written in the past and i’ve felt other feelings and i’m feeling these feelings now. i’ve left people so i can get on the bus or they can get on the train and we can get back to the lives we lead without each other. there is a large raccoon that just scampered by me. it doesn’t mean anything. when will i grow enough to reach into my brain and pull out the feelings that i know so deeply. i don’t think that it’s possible. everything that i will convey for the rest of my life, when this life scampers out and it’s left and nobody will reach into this hole of internet words to find and if they do will they assume i’m still alive. i’ve been adding to this testament for the last 4 years and none of it is worthy enough in my eyes to show other people and so i have it all to myself and when i die, years from now, so too will it die because it isn’t for you but for me as i’ve written over and over again. i will be an old old man who in a moment of clarity remembers this site and finds it to find that there isn’t anything that has changed and i’m just as dirty now as i was then. i also want to walk you home from school. there is so much to write about and i don’t know how to tap into any of it. this amazing wealth of feeling that seems impossible to convey. maybe i can’t and maybe that’s okay. all writing is is the fear of losing grip on what seems so real and possible at this very moment. i’m scared to leave it because i like this moment as much as i do. i’m to enter a writing group nay a week from now and i want to be supported. does it matter if i’m not? i want to chart it all down. as everybody does. as everybody does.

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