pg 48


March 11, 2012, 1:37 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

i’d like to know the streetcar tonight, cut off the subway early and make up the time from walking east. this night is not what i thought it would be and that’s okay. there isn’t a pressure to be at home and move and dance and push and split the world. why would we need to think collectively when two of us are going to the movies and the rest will be staying home and to themselves. the type while holding a cigarette, the intoxication of knowing this woman more and deeper and seeing her more often. the world looks alive and there are more choices when there are none, the grass greener the people friendlier. night doesn’t have to be a bad thing and a night spent quickly, unto itself but with a friend. a movie that could turn out to be the beginning of a new way of looking at the world. this could be it. i could be two hours, three hours away from being a completely different person and all because of this movie. what it will tell me about life and what i will be inspired to do afterwards. everything will smell of success at first before returning to way exactly like we have now, ups and downs, patient moments and frantic ones. i don’t know this city by car as i do by foot and by bike, by transit. will i come to have one. will this come to be the city in which i live. for the rest of my life or will we move. will we take off, further, to the mountains and the truth. i don’t know what it would be to know this person. i’ve known someone before. i appreciate sarcasm as i do an assured sense of self. it’s intoxicating. it’s, well, where does it come from when it seems so rare most of the time. it’s sexy. it’s the beginning and the past. it’s getting stoned and writing on your front porch while a bunch of folks sit in your kitchen waiting for the one to wake up, come out of their room and disperse what they think their brains want. and i’m not welcome. it’s okay but it’s not when i start from an emotional place and not a rational one. what’s wrong with me when that happens? or rather, how does that happen when at the same time rationally the point is clear and understood. the mind and the body are ridiculous things. and how, though i feel them, the words and the ‘insights’ can read as though i am fifteen with dreads and stoned for the first time, having my blind blown by simple life. but then again that is a window into that idea of feeling one way and knowing the other way is actually true. that i can feel okay with making me statements but knowing these statements read like obvious stoneries. not completely the same because it’s not a one or the other example. okay writing that now i know that this isn’t making sense outside of myself as it won’t make sense when i come back to it tomorrow. it’s fleeting already gone. changing the way i think about punctuation and commas, reading like we’d speak. learning. teaching. growing. loving. or to liz: living, loving, learning that’s what it’s all about. look and learn.

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