pg 48


August 7, 2009, 1:41 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

an old woman, a grandmother, sits on the second floor of the public library. she is in the kids section with, presumably, her daughter and grandson and they are across the table from her, immersed in their own game as she is in her book of crosswords. when she thinks of an answer and writes it down, with a satisfied smile she she meiticulously crosses out the clue underneath. every now and then she is interupted by, or takes notices of, the younger generations across the table and smiles a smile so pure, as though every joy small and large is on a time line, contained in, wrapped up around the joy she feels just being across from her family, nothing could bring her more honest pleasure. the story of her youth, her life is now at that table. maybe they’ve always, the three of them, been at that table she wonders. a long montange of everything around them sped up while they in real time, like shots she’s seen on television, it makes her think of the black and white movies, the shots of new york with thousands, my goodness, of people all walking in rhythm with each other, a sea of people. as a ten year old girl, her father had taken her to the movies, only one movie coming to town, having a three week run before being replaced with another. in the smokey theatre, (you could back then, it was terrible. even i had one going. ha, i’m kidding, wouldn’t that be funny though?) the shot came up on the screen and it terrified her, but she wasn’t sure a little bit of that wasn’t excitment.

a thought running counter to everything one would assume of this white haired matriarch, a wisp of a german accent, on her tongue. maybe when she laughed thick rolls, then maybe you could picture it. she hated the assumptions that came along with looking like that. she wanted to be clear, she wasn’t some sort of clown, a fool, always laughing never anything else

[not related but something about a roommate throwing out a half ripped, eaten loaf of bread, it was rock hard, so i threw it out. i needed that bread, i’d be hardening it on purpose. but why? in any case, it setting me on a hunt, asking friends, no success, spreading out, making for the fringe, acquaintences]

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