pg 48

June 20, 2009, 10:46 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

i’m going to walk home when i get off work in three hours. ok 2 and a half hours. i’m going to feel lonely when i get to teh bottom of the hill, i always do. i’m not lonely, but i am when i’m there. maybe it’s because to the left her and i took shelter under the bridge, and let our ectasy run through our veins, and out our eyes when the snake came by. or because to the right i went on a walk with another her and we talked about how far we’d come in life and all it did was underscore how much further we had to go. i thought about marrying the other her in her big backyard. she told me that she wanted to get married in her backyard. at the time, in the back of my mind, i thought there was a better chance than not that it was me she would do it with. after the wedding we could take the path that runs out the back and tlet the poison ivy fail against our legs. we’d make ti out to the canal and throw rocks together. alone all along, alone ever more.

or maybe it’s the weather. my confidant told me i should never move to the west coast, or rather the parts of the coast where it rains more than it doesn’t. i couldn’t take it. i’d stay in bed all day and not succeed the world like i told myself i would when i graduated grade 8 and left that town behind. i started running and i couldn’t stop. i had a tender heart. a cut of meat that i’d never get to see but whose presence would always trust. i’ve been told my whole life i have a heart and i believe i do.

he needed to know that once he got out of prison, the deal would hold and he’d still have his lunch made for him everyday.

where was the ship going he wondered. would it make it all the way out to sea, so far that land was no longer visible and felt as though it never would be again? how did they make the space their own. how did they find time for reflection if there was no space for it. but there is always space. he remembered these words from church. his minister had delivered what others over refreshments had told him was a very meaningful, very moving sermon. he had caught phrases here, prayers there enough to know that the point was that when you’re in dark spaces, places you may feel aren’t religious, the ability to create the space is yours and always has been.

a baseball bat is flung from the top of mountain, its crest. they didn’t see who threw it. but they saw who it hit.


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